The Terminal Condition Of Feeling Lost

I wonder if I am alone in this predicament but I doubt so.

Photo by Finding Dan | Dan Grinwis on Unsplash

No matter how many books I read or how many words I write, I can’t find my way out of this condition. I wonder if I am alone in this but I doubt so. In fact, I know so.

When things start ascending and progress is evident, I forget what this condition even is. I believe that I know. In fact, I know that I know what is to come. How I will handle it and how it will handle me. I should know better than that but you see the thing is I can’t help it.

Progress can be intoxicating and blinding, it can dampen the pragmatist in us if we let it. I am ashamed to say that I have let it get the best of me one too many times. But you can’t blame me. When you have been afflicted with my condition for a long time, the moments when you are freed are exhilarating. It is not too dissimilar from a prisoner who manages to escape. The thrill of freedom makes you forget that you are on borrowed time and at any moment, you can be captured and thrust back into your former condition.

And like a prisoner on a life sentence, this condition of mine will be with me forever. And even worse, no one can give me a pardon.

I guess like such a prisoner, I will have to make the best of it. I will have to acclimatise to the courtyard of this condition and avoid being confined to a small space by it.

Maybe it’s all in my head. I mean you probably feel the same way and have learnt to deal with it. Or maybe you don’t feel that way at all. Maybe you don’t find yourself constantly feeling lost. Maybe you’re ok with not knowing what is to come.

I know I cannot know it all, and I know I can never know it all. The usual advice is to accept that you don’t know, and that will make it better. Maybe, but I don’t know.

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